As I was meditating today, I stumbled upon something I was holding onto that I truly want to get rid of but for some reason cannot forgive. I tried to clear my mind and set aside this issue in order to be present to my mediation, but I realized this "thing" would not go away. I ended my meditation not fully satisfied ( as is totally normal with my over active mind) and I thought, I need to write this out and figure out why I can not forgive this issue/person. So, here I am, completely vulnerable to the process. I figured it may be more powerful to share with others my thoughts on conquering forgiveness, mainly for support and to relate to others.
There is a quote that I hear often, "Apologizing doesn't always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego." I 100% believe in this. I feel that if you are in a fight or argument with another and know that it probably won't go any further, than apologizing is the best solution. Not because you are surrendering or giving up but because you value the relationship between you two more than some pity fight. But of course, it is easier said then done.
With my issue, I feel unappreciated, overlooked and disappointment with something. I struggle with this issue in many ways. I am mad at a person for not showing appreciation for my hard work and dedication. I am frustrated with a group for not making an effort to show love and kindness to me. And mainly, there is this sense of sadness that I am holding onto because I feel I may have not been as big of a support to others as I thought was. Every time I sit down and try to bring forgiveness to this situation, I continually run through this loop of frustration, disappointment and unappreciation, and I get stuck. I can never get past it.
Unfortunately, I know exactly what is holding me back from forgiving, it is my ego and sense of entitlement. There is this crown of entitlement I have set on my head that I feel I should of been acknowledged for everything I have done for this something and I know this should not be. Having entitlement, or wanting something doesn't warrant its existence. All I need is love and I have so much of that in life already, so why do I hold on to this something and those feelings of sadness? Honesty, I have no answer to it and I know that I will come to forgiveness with this situation in time. I will stop stroking my ego and put aside that crown of entitlement in the future. But what happens now?
For now, my choice is to allow those thoughts and feeling to exist BUT to not give them encouragement. When I feel them, my action is to acknowledge they are there, BECAUSE I AM HUMAN, and instead of feeding the beast, I will node my head and say these words until the thought passes " Peace, peace, peace. Forgiveness, Forgiveness, Forgiveness."
As you can see, I have no answer that this issue as many of us don't. I am human, and no matter what external things will affect me. It is my job to figure out why they do, take ownership of that and then make a plan to get me through it without placing blame on anyone else. That's the key, do not place blame on others. Take ownership of you and only you, because that is the only thing you can change.
That is my story for today. It is definitely a rough draft in my mind put on paper and not complete in thoughts but I really wanted to share and hopefully this may touch someone who may need it today. And if not, all is well.